Lawyer Humor Collection

     A great deal of humor, particularly in these years of the late twentieth century, have poked fun at Lawyers. Why? Cause we are better than the rest of you! Well, that's what we tell ourselves anyway.

What do lawyers use for birth control?

* Their personalities.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

* A tick falls off of you when you die.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and

their clients?

* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is

essentially the same service.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their

neck in sand?

* Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a

dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

* A Doberman.

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

* If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once

launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they

screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest


* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people

couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed:

* A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit


* Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?

* Skeet.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a

crooked lawyer?

* Chelsea Clinton

If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to

avoid hitting him?

* It might be your bicycle.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old

drunk are walking down the street together when they

simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?

* The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical


It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)

* ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the

lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third


You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a

lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you


* You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?

* He gets taller.


Fahrenheit 60: -- Californians put on sweaters.

50: -- Miami residents turn on the heat.

40: -- Minnesotans go swimming.

35: -- Italian cars don't start.

30: -- You plan your vacation to Australia; Minnesotans put on T-shirts

25: -- Californians weep pitiably; Canadians go swimming.

15: -- French cars don't start.

5: -- You plan your vacation in Houston. American cars don't start.

0: -- Too cold to ice skate. Alaskans put on T-shirts.

-10: -- German cars don't start. Eyes freeze shut when you blink.

-15: -- You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo. Arkansans

stick tongue on metal objects. Miami residents cease to exist.

-20: -- Minnesotans shovel snow off roof. Japanese cars don't start.

-25: -- You plan a two-week hot bath. Swedish cars don't start.

-30: -- Californians disappear. Minnesotans button top button. Canadians

put on sweaters.

-40: -- Your car helps you plan your trip South.

-50: -- Congressional hot air freezes. Alaskans close bathroom windows.

-60: -- Finns put on long pants. Brass monkeys are neutered.

-80: -- Heck freezes over. Polar bears move south.

-90: -- Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.