JIM JUSTIN MUSEUM OF HUMOR

A Collection of Jokes, Funny Stories and Other Humorous Items

     The links below are to jokes, funny stories and humorous items either original to these pages or found elsewhere on the Web.  If you have a joke to share, please send it along or tell me of a link to a humorous site elsewhere.  Nothing really gross racist or such, good taste (little risque is okay, but not real bad).

     This Site is Under Construction as of 8/29/98.  I expect a slow accumulation of jokes, please check back.  Thanks.


Bye Bye Birdie

     A Lady has a pet bird and she notices one day that it is not very active.  She tries to feed it and coax it onto her finger but to no avail, the bird shows no interest. She then picks up the bird cage and carries it to the Vet. "What's wrong with my Bird?" she soon asks.

     After a quick examination the vet says, "It's Dead."

     "It can't be!" she exclaims, "It was just singing this morning."

     "Well I'll do a more thorough examine if you like." says the vet as he leaves the room. A moment later he returns with a kitty in his arms.

     "Lets see what Tiger thinks." he says and puts the Feline down on the table by the cage. Tiger sniffs at the cage and bird briefly and then wanders off disinterested.

     "As I thought, no reaction." says the vet, "The Bird is obviously Dead."

     "Hmm, Okay.  Thank you Doctor. How much do I owe you?" asks the Lady, convinced.

     "Fifty Dollars for the visit plus $110 for the Cat Scan." Says the Vet.


Ooops

Mike and Pat met and started discussing current events.

"Did You Hear We Bombed the Chinese Embassy in Belgrade?", Said Mike

"Why Would Clinton Do That?", Said Pat

"Hmm, I dunno", mused Mike, "I Guess the Check Bounced."

Copyright 1999, John Justin


Montana Grizzly Bear Notice

     In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Montana Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in the field.

     We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

     It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings.

     Black bear droppings are smaller and contain lots of berries and squirrel fur.

     Grizzly bear droppings are larger, have little bells in them and smell like pepper.


Windy Bar

     This guy enters a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looked like a nice place and he takes a seat at the bar next to another guy. "This is a nice place, I've never been here before," the first guy says.

     "Oh really?" the other replies, "it's also a very special bar."

     "Why is that?", the first guy asks.

     "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

     "Gee, that's amazing!", the first guy says.

     "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out, you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

     "No way, that's impossible", the first guy replies.

     "Not at all, take a look," the other man replies and walks over to the window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.  "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.

     "Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

     "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window, again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a top, and whoosh!...he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Go ahead, give it a try, it's a blast!", he says.

     "Well, what the heck, OK...I'll give it a try," the first man says and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 100...200...500... 1000 feet and SPLAT!!!!...ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk below.

     After calmly watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk!"

= = - mystical@jetlink.net


Presidents

What is the difference between George Washington,

Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton?

Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the

truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference.

= = - CHALETBILL@aol.com


FIVE SURGEONS

     Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

     The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

     The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

     The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

     But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."


Memorandum

A managed care company president was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's "Unfinished Symphony." Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to one of his managed care reviewers. The next morning, the president asked the reviewer how he had enjoyed it, and he was handed a memorandum, which read as follows:

Memorandum

1. For a considerable period, the oboe players had nothing to do. Their number should be reduced, and their work spread over the whole orchestra, thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2. All twelve violins were playing identical notes. This seems unnecessary duplication, and the staff in this section should be drastically cut. If a large volume of sound is required, this could be obtained through use of an amplifier.

3. Much effort was involved in playing the 16th notes. This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest 8th note. If this were done, it would be possible to use paraprofessionals instead of experienced musicians.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

5. This symphony has two movements. If Schubert did not achieve his musical goals by the end of the first movement, then he should have stopped there. The second movement is unnecessary and should be cut.

     In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given attention to these matters, his symphony would probably have been finished by now.

= = - CHALETBILL@aol.com


Massachussetts Rules

     A Texan, a New Yorker, and a Massachusetts resident were drinking their favorite beverage in a bar. The Texan drained his glass of tequila, threw the half full bottle up in the air, drew and fired  his pistol, shattering the bottle. The other two were shocked at his ruining perfectly good tequila. The Texan, however, simply drew himself up and announced, "Where I come from,we have plenty of tequila."

     The New Yorker, not to be outdone, drained his glass of wine, threw the wine bottle into the air, drew and fired his pistol,also shattering his bottle. Looking over at the other two with an air of superiority characteristic of New Yorkers, he announced, "Where I come from, we have plenty of fine wine and the best of everything!"

     The Massachusetts resident drained his bottle of Sam Adam's Ale, threw it up in the air, drew his pistol and shot the New Yorker dead. He then caught the bottle on the way down and showed it to the Texan: "Where I come from," he said slowly, "we recycle bottles = - and we have too many New Yorkers."


Three Men ...A chicken and a cow...

  There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn."

  The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn."

  So they all agreed and went to their rooms.

  About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."

  "That's ok," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it."

  So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."

  "Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer.

  So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.

--- Earl Rhoden

       ERhoden853@aol.com


One Liners

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a work station...

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUP?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

If they arrested the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

I don't have a solution, but I admire your problem.

If a tin whistle is made out of tin (and it is), then what, exactly, is a fog horn made out of?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

What WAS the best thing before sliced bread?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

= = - Earl Rhoden

       ERhoden853@aol.com


More One Liners

All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money can't make me happy.

If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter?

Two Liners


I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I'm not allowed to interrupt her.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%: It's called wedding cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


Two Kids

     Two little kids in a hospital were laying next to each other. The first kid leans over and asked, "What are you in here for?" The second kid said," I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

     The first kid said," You've got nothing to worry about , I had that done to me once. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of jello and ice cream. It's a piece of cake!"

     The second kid then asked, "What are you in here for?"

     The first kid responded, "Well, I'm here for a circumcision."

     The second kid said, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"


THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS (LEGALLY SPEAKING):

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St.Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.

The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations (i.e.dreams), wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.  

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House (i.e. the lawn), a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically indentified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions Of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim:

"Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect


Real Woman

     In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.

     Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

     For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

     The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

     "Iron this."


Check Your Oil

A blonde pulls over at the gas station, gets out of her car, opens the hood, and checks the engine oil. After a few seconds of intelligent thinking, she takes the dipstick in her hand and, raising her chest high, walks up to the attendant.

"Excuse me sir, but can I buy a longer dipstick?"

"May I ask why you need a longer one ma'am?"

"Because this one isn't long enough to reach the oil!"


STEP, STEP, ROAR

     A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar...so it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.

     The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear...."


SERENITY PRAYER FOR THE ONLINE ADDICT

God, grant me the serenity To accept a server I cannot change,

Courage to walk past the computer without turning it on

when I'm running late for work,

And the wisdom to know the difference between

"Come to bed now"(meaning "Let's have some fun!")

and "Come to bed NOW!" (meaning "That computer has got to GO"!)


Mechanic's Tool Guide

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is  used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board  principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is  available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.  

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shecks might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


Girly Beer

BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES: Washington, DC Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.


The Aspirating Psychiatrists:

The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor, to the student from Arkansas, "What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.

"Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up'!"


Words of Wisdom

I love deadlines. I especially love the swooshing sound they make as they go flying by.

Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?

I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and somedays you're the statue.

Know that some days you are the windshield and some days you are the bug.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.

I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow's not looking good either.

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the heck is the ceiling???"

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...

Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

Everybody is somebody else's wierdo...

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.


Q & A

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be open by the time she brings it.

Q: Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never

be able to support you.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?

A: So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Q: How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?

A: When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

Q: How do you fix a woman's watch?

A: Don't bother. There's a clock on the oven!

Q: Why do men pass gas more than women?

A: Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Q: Why were shopping carts invented?

A: To teach women to walk on their hind legs.

Q: If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

A: The dog, of course.....at least he'll shut up after you let him in. All wives are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

Q: What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A: A woman that won't do what she's told.

Q: How many women does it take to paint a wall?

A: It depends on how hard you throw them.

Q: What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A: Divorced.


Tower Talk

     1. The Air Traffic Controller, working a busy pattern, told the 727 on downwind to make a 360 for spacing. The pilot complained, "Do you know it costs us two thousand dollars to make a 360 in this airplane?!"

     Without missing a beat, the controller replied, "Roger, give me four thousand dollars' worth."

     2. PSA was following United, taxiing out for takeoff. PSA called the tower and said, "Tower, this is United 586. We've got a little problem, so go ahead and let PSA go first." The tower promptly cleared PSA for takeoff before United had a chance to object to the impersonation.

     3. A DC-10 made an exceedingly long landing rollout after touching down a bit too fast on the short runway at San Jose, CA. The Tower said, "American 751 Heavy, turn right at the end, if able...if UN-able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101 back to the airport."

     4. Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff. Contact Departure on 127.4"

     Eastern 702: "Eastern 702 switching to Departure..by the way, as we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

     Tower: "Clipper 201, cleared for takeoff. Contact Departure on 127.4..and did you copy that report from Eastern?"

     Clipper 201: Roger, Clipper 201 cleared for takeoff..and affirmative, we copied Eastern and have already notified our caterers."


He She or It?

12-31-98 The pastor of one church who was previously a sailor, was very aware that ships were addressed as "she" & "her." He often wondered what gender computers should be addressed.

To answer that question, he set up two groups of computer experts. The first was comprised of women, and the second men. Each group was asked to recommend whether computers should be in the feminine gender, or the masculine gender. They were asked to give 4 reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon ass you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand concluded that Computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but The Creator understands their logic.

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for later retrieval.

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


English Impatient

Lets face it

English is a stupid language.

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not

invented in England French fries were not invented in France. We

sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes we find that Quicksand takes you down

slowly

Boxing rings are square

And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. If writers

write, how come fingers don't fing. If the plural of tooth is teeth

Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth If the teacher

taught,

Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables

What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?

Why do people recite at a play

Yet play at a recital?

Park on driveways and

Drive on parkways

How can the weather be as hot as hell on one day And as cold as hell on

another

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy

Of a language where a house can burn up as It burns down And in which

you fill in a form

By filling it out

And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers And it reflects the

creativity of the human race (Which of course isn't a race at all) That

is why

When the stars are out they are visible

But when the lights are out they are invisible And why it is that when I

wind up my watch It starts

But when I wind up this poem

It ends.


Hearing Aid

     Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ed noticed something funny about Joe's ear. He said, "Joe did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?"

     "I have? A suppository?"

     He pulled it out and stared at it. Then he said: "Ed, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."


It's a long night!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland".

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begorra, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar on this very night. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. The bartender walks over shaking his head and mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."


Catholic Boys

     Tommy Shaughnessy goes into the confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been two weeks since my last confession. Since then, I havemissed Mass twice and I have been intimate with a girl."

The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy Shaughnessy?"

"Yes, Father. It is."

"Who was this girl you were with?"

"I cannot tell you, Father, because I don't want to ruin her reputation."

The priest asks, "Was it Brenda Patty O'Malley?"

"No, Father".

"Was it Mary Patricia Kelly?"

"No, Father."

"Was it Elizabeth Mary Shannon?"

"No, Father".

"Was it Fiona Mary McDonald?"

"No, Father".

"Was it Cathy Moran Morgan?"

"No, Father!I cannot tell you."

     The priest finally gives up and says, "Tommy, I admire your perserverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers. Now go back to your pew".

     Tommy walks back to his pew and sits down. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, "So what happened? What did you get?"

"Well, I got three Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and five good leads."


Famous Beer Quotes

-You can't be a real country unless yyou have a beer and

an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football

team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least

you need a beer. = Frank Zappa

- Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will

teach you to keep your mouth shut. = Ernest Hemmingway

- Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol

than alcohol has taken out of me. = Winston Churchill

- He was a wise man who invented beer. = Plato

- Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.

= Catherine Zandonella

- A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the

decency to thank her. = W.C. Fields

- Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.

= Lady Astor to Winston Churchill; Madam, if you were

my wife, I would drink it. = His reply

- Sir, you're drunk! = Lady Astor to Winston Churchill;

Yes, Madam, I am. But in the morning, I will be sober

and you will still be ugly. = His reply

- If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have

given us stomachs. = David Daye

- Work is the curse of the drinking class. = Oscar Wilde

- When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

= Henny Youngman

- Beer is proof that God loves us andd wants us to be happy.

= Benjamin Franklin

- If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking

beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. = Deep

Thought, Jack Handy

- Without question, the greatest invention in the history

of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was

also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly

as well with pizza. = Dave Barry

-The problem with the world is that everyone is a few

drinks behind. = Humphrey Bogart

- Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it

from urine. = David Moulton

- People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of

beer; they just like to pee alot. = Capital Brewery,

Middleton, WI

- Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the

world. = Kaiser Welhelm

- I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet

beer. = Homer Simpson

- Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as

hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no

way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. = Dave

Barry

- I drink to make other people interesting. = George

Jean Nathan

- They who drink beer will think beer. = Washington Irving

-An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to

spend time with his fools. = For Whom the Bell Tolls,

Ernest Hemmingway

- You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without

holding on. = Dean Martin

- All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like

me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing

you with beer. = Homer Simpson


Hot Pilot

     It seems that a young man volunteered for military service during World War II. He had such a high aptitude for aviation that he was sent right to Pensacola Naval Air Station - skipping recruit training.

     The very first day at Pensacola he solos and is the best flier on the base. All they could do was give him his gold wings and assign him immediately to an aircraft carrier in the Pacific.

     On his first day aboard, he took off and single-handedly shot down 6 Japanese Zeroes.Then climbing up to 20,000 ft., he found 9 more Japanese planes and shot them all down as well. Noting that his fuel was getting low, he descended, circled the carrier and came in for a perfect landing on the deck.

     He threw back the canopy, climbed out and jogged over to the captain. Saluting smartly he said, "Well sir, how did I do on my very first day?"

     The captain turned around, bowed politely, and replied, "You make one velly, velly selious mistake!"


Lawyer Humor - A collection of small minded jabs at the most honorable of professions

Political Humor - A collection of jabs at the least honorable profession from the left and the right

Work Humor - A collection of Work, Business and Corporate Jokes

Off Color Humor Exhibit - A Collection of Semi-Naughty Humor

LINKS

Joke of the Day

Psychology Jokes

Today In History

Justin Museum Site Map

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