JIM JUSTIN MUSEUM OF HUMOR
Off Color Jokes Exhibit
A Collection of Semi-Naughty Jokes, Funny Stories and Other Humorous Items
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so he thought he'd become a mechanic. So he went along to mechanics school and the final test was to strip the engine completely and reassemble it obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark. The instructor said "no no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it a fantastic job really, and then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the muffler."
Two Wishes in Australia
A Bloke in Australia walks up to the bar with a big ostrich behind him, and as he sits, a small cat jumps up on the stool beside him. The barman comes over, regarding the trio with some curiosity, and says, "What'll it be?"
The man says," I'll have a pint," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have a pint as well," says the ostrich. Bloke looks at the cat, and says, "I suppose you want a drink too." "The cat replies, "I'll have a half, but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
So the barman pulls two and a half pints, and says, "That'll be three pounds forty, please." The man reaches into his pocket, feels around, and, to the barman's surprise, pulls out exactly the three-forty in change.
A while later, the same thing happens, and the man pulls the exact amount out of the same pocket. The next day, the man, the ostrich, and the cat return to the same bar. "I'll have a pint," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich, and the cat orders up a half ... "But I ain't fookin' payin'!" Repeat of yesterday. The bloke pays each time with the exact amount from his pocket.
This becomes almost a regular routine until, late one evening, the trio enter again.
"The same?" asks the barman. "Well," says the man, "it's close to last orders. I'll have a large scotch." He turns to the ostrich inquiringly. The bird says, "I'll have a large scotch as well." The cat says, "I'll have a small scotch ... but I ain't fookin' payin'!"
The barman rings up the drinks and turns, with a sly grin, "That'll be seven pounds twenty, please." To his amazement, the man pulls the exact seven & twenty out of his pocket.
As the trio are finishing their drinks, the barman can contain his curiosity no longer. "Excuse me, sir, but before you leave there's something I must know ... how do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket...every time?"
"Well," says the man, "it's a long story. But basically, several years ago I took care of an old lady well into her nineties, and when she died, she left me her old house. Nothing special, but as I was cleaning out the attic, I found an old lamp, and when I rubbed it, this genie appeared and offered me two wishes."
That's fantastic," says the barkeep, "what did you wish for?"
"Well, if I ever need to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right money will always be there."
"That's brilliant" says the barman, "most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live."
"That's right, whether its a quart of milk or even a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there. The best thing I ever did!"
As he turns to go, the barman calls him back and says, "One last thing, sir... err, your friends there ... we don't get many cats or ostriches drinkin' in 'ere...?"
The man looks glum. "Yes, I know. That's probably the worst thing I ever did, but I'm stuck with 'em. You see, for my second wish from the genie, I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.
"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.
"Boy," is the man's response.
"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", says the service guy. An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions: "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."
The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"
The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."
A man takes his wife to the stock show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."
The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was 365 times with the same cow."
The Young Aggie Priest
The young Aggie Priest ,at his first mass was so scared that he could hardly speak. So before his second week in the pulpit he asked the Monsignor ( a old veteran of this work) "How can I relax. The Monsignor said " My son,this sunday it might help if you put some martinis in the water pitcher instead of water and after a few sips , everything should go smoother!
So Sunday came and the young priest did as suggested and he really talked up a storm. after the mass he asked the old veteran how he had done. The Monsignor replied " Just fine except there are a few you things you need to get straight before your next mass!
1.Next time ,sip the martini rather than gulping it down by the glassfull.
2.There are 10 Commandments,not twelve.
3.there are 12 disciples, not 10.
4.david slew Goliath; he didn't kick the shit out of him.
5.We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his disciples as "J.C. and The Boys.
6. WE don't refer to the cross as the "BIG T".
7. We don't refer to the Father,Son abd the Holy Ghost , as Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook'
8.Next Sunday there is a taffy pull at St. Peters Church, not a peter pulling at St Taffys!
9.The idea of a drive-in confessional is excellent, but the sign "Toot & Tell or Go To Hell" has to go.
10. Last but not least, we say the Virgin Mary, Not "Mary with a Cherry"
"Man who run in front of car get tired."
"Man who run behind car get exhausted."
"Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change."
"Passionate kiss like spider web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One plick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok."
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."
"Man who scratches arse should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk."
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Woman who wear G-stling, high on clack!"
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
The story begins on a handful of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere where the following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgarian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving. But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey, but they are satisfied in that at least the English are not getting any.
What do you call someone who doesn't tip in a Chinese Restaurant?
Men Are Like
Men are like.....Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
Men are like.....Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up your legs.
"Doctor", she answered with a wry smile, "For all the good those things did me, I could have stuck them up my ass."
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to put it to this girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.
The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack saying the boy will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns and whispers back;
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
A guy walks into a bar and says, "If I show you something you've never seen before will you give me a free drink?" The bartender thought he had nothing to lose so he said, " sure."
The dude pulls out a ten inch pianist playing a piano. The bar tender was amazed and slid him 2 drinks. "Where did you get the 10 inch pianist from? "The bartender asked still amazed.
"I have a genie" says the dude, "I have one wish left...do you want it?"
"YES" said the bar tender. The guy thinks about it and says, "BE CAREFUL...He's hard of hearing."
"I wish for a million Bucks!" Said the bartender and suddenly 1,000,000 ducks appeared. "I wished bucks not ducks!" the bartender screamed.
Then the guy says "You don't think I wished for a ten inch pianist do you?"
Become a Patron!
Back To Jim Justin Museum Of Humor